How wonderful life is while you're in the world

[leitstern]

Where: Heliodor.
When: Four months into reconstruction.
Summary: Little moments of comfort.

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[leitstern]

[The fact Obsidian veers off makes no difference to Jasper - who laughs at his obstinance while guiding his mare over thick roots and solid rocks. He closes his eyes for a moment and listens to the sound of hooves and feet traipsing through the fresh grass. Hendrik's resound somewhere behind; his friendly banter a reminder they were not always close. The oak stands as a tantamount reminder of the destruction that had rained down before things could regrow.

He thinks about this a great many times as he parks his beast upon the ridge and leaves her to munch some virgin grass. It was a destruction he was responsible for, and now the signs are there only when one knows where to look. Nature almost culpable in covering over his crimes. His voice still carries some of its earlier confidence though it sounds more subdued.]

As you wish to tell me. I thought they were words of encouragement.

[standvastig]

[Reaching the ridge takes awhile longer on foot, but Hendrik is up to the task after the exhilaration of the brief race. It also allows him to enjoy the breeze that stirs the leaves of the tree and the plants around the area.]

Obsidian may beg to differ.

[He finishes making his way to join Jasper, standing beside him and following his gaze.]

You are thinking about more than the race, I presume?

[He's hoping his friend is in the mood to volunteer information rather than Hendrik having to ask more specific questions.]

[leitstern]

[Jasper hardly responds to the refreshing breeze. It registers in his thoughts but he remains distracted by the rolling countryside. His brows twitch slightly at the question, the serious topic demanding his attention. Perhaps because he is in a thoughtful mood he responds.]

I am wondering about my old horse, I must admit.

[He doesn't continue for a second, finding it hard to remember her. Fondness he would have felt before, before, well...]

One of these days I might stand here and remember more than being so cruel as to leave her to die.

[standvastig]

[Ah. The tense of look of concentration had tipped him off that Jasper was in fact not relaxing (as was the purpose of their trip), leading to his question. But now...]

Do you remember what you were thinking of at that time?

[The question comes with a little bit of curiosity, but he also hopes to know that it wasn't a conscious decision on Jasper's part.]

[leitstern]

[The wind blows Jasper's hair but he finds no pleasure in it. His eyes skim over the river and the opposite shore, delving into lavender and hedgerows and back towards the castle. He avoids looking over his shoulder and tightens his hairtie. His usual confidence replaced by caution and circumception.]

Only how unfortunate it was that a reminder of my old life endured.

[Though slight by anyone's standards, there's a flicker of something behind his cold features.]

It was not a comfort to see her well.

[standvastig]

[Hendrik turns his head, no longer looking off to the distance but instead staring at the man standing beside him. Those words filled him with a sudden feeling of dread.

It takes him a long moment to ask his next question.]

Are you certain she perished?

[leitstern]

[Jasper stands there like an unwanted guest, quiet, idle, embarrassed, with nothing occupying his mind. Part of it undoubtedly from the shock of hearing such a question, more from the trauma of being caught in the past. There are no quick movements or angry denials.

Suddenly, a lump in his throat. He forces it down and lifts his chin. How one's past catches up with you...]

I do. I handed her her fate.

[Though his words lack confirmation on his part played, they still turn the atmosphere cold.]

[standvastig]

[There is an immediate urge to turn his head away, to hide his expression, but Hendrik resists. A grimace. A tightening of his jaw. Narrowed eyes.

The admission reminds Hendrik that his best friend had more than once tried to kill him -- once indirectly and once with his own hands. Both times, he was fortunate enough to have someone at his side.

But if he hadn't had someone... Or if he had no way to fight back...

He takes a breath before reaching for Jasper's hand, expression somber.]

You will have to carry that betrayal with you. A reminder of what dark influences can wring out of one's soul.

[leitstern]

[He hardly needs turn to scrutinise Hendrik's expression; he knows the man and can easily imagine the austere look on his face. Eyes close for a moment of introspection, before his fingers curl around his friend's, his hand no longer weak and limp.

The last thing he had imagined then was that someone was by his side. The last thing he wanted was to be reminded of being alone. Anger had boiled his blood and turned him cold. Fingers give him something to focus on but they don't stop him dwelling on the past.

He opens his eyes again and looks towards the sun.]

Yes. I have no intention of forgetting my actions, but it is a good distraction to know you are here.

[standvastig]

I would hope I am more than a good distraction.

[He gives Jasper's hand a firm squeeze, eyes lingering on him for a moment longer before looking out across the field. The majority of the grass has grown enough to bend and wave with the passing breeze.]

I would hope my presence is a reminder to be kind to yourself. You are already your harshest critic on a good day.

[leitstern]

[When Hendrik squeezes his hand and gently lets him know he isn't alone, Jasper braces his emotions and keeps his dignity. His struggles are evidence enough of feeling and entirely evident.

Taking a deep breath, he decides to acknowledge them with a smile.]

I am quite over criticising myself, thank you.

[His next look towards the horizon is more hopeful. Slightly.]

[standvastig]

[Hendrik's lips quirk into a faint smile, somehow both sad and hopeful.]

That is easy enough to say.

[And he will have to remind Jasper should he fall into a pit of his darker emotions again. But he is up to the task.

For now, he rubs Jasper's knuckle meaningfully with his thumb.]

...Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

[leitstern]

[The upset behind Jasper's face is poorly disguised. He keeps silent for three seconds to focus and compensate before grasping back. Curling his fingers to latch around his friend's, showing feelings that cannot spill from his lips. For a moment, he feels they might stand here forever, but the need to rest suddenly makes itself known on his heels.

He pulls their hands back slightly, edging towards the tree.]

Come. Let us sit down.

[standvastig]

Mm.

[In agreement, Hendrik steps back on the ridge, following Jasper's footsteps over to the oak tree. Rather than sit down right away, he runs his free hand over the scarred bark, thinking on the fires that had razed a good portion of the region even before he and King Carnelian returned.

He releases Jasper's hand to sit down, close enough to the trunk to lean back against it.]

I had almost forgotten the quiet of the fields.

[leitstern]

[Jasper turns around to watch his friend inspect the oak tree, a thoughtful hand caressing its bark - his own attention focusing upon a wistful face. Brows furrowed in thought, eyes fixated on past as well as present. He starts investigating himself only to withdraw his fingers when Hendrik releases him to sit upon the ground. Back to the tree, eyes gazing out over the rolling hills. His train of thought derails a moment as his heart swells; full with pride for his friend being happy again.

He settles next to him so quietly that it feels like having a bird settle. The first sign of his presence are legs stretching out alongside, mismatched in colour and length. One hand rests on his lap, the other upon the grass between them. Blades tickle his skin as he stretches his fingers.]

Luckily they are not so quiet when you are speaking, friend.

[His mood is rolling as much as these hills but that is the consequence of his decisions. He is simply grateful enough his friend is here.]

[standvastig]

[Hendrik makes a curious sound at the comment, his bicep brushing against the base of the tree as he turns slightly to look at his friend.]

Is that to say you prefer this quiet, or you would rather I speak?

[It's possible he's misinterpreting Jasper's words, but that's why he asks for clarification. The mood is still in such a tenuous place that he does not want to cause any undue distress.]

[leitstern]

[When muscles brace against the tree and his friend turns at an angle, Jasper closes his eyes. His head tips back and his mouth opens slightly. Looking at peace, he leans slightly across, closer to the other man.]

No, my dear Hendrik. It is simply to say I fancy your company.

[He holds back the smile forming on his lips. One of his words harkening back to that which changed this relationship some days ago.]

[standvastig]

[Jasper holding back a smile does not affect how Hendrik smiles in response. He moves his hand to rest on top of his friend's, memories and appreciation of those present words bringing vividness to his eyes.]

Ah. I am glad to hear it.

[Perhaps this is a good opportunity to do a little more? They are out of the public eye, and being out here disrupts the more normal cadence of their evening meetings of simply enjoying each other's company...

He unconsciously squeezes Jasper's fingers, trying to calm himself. He shouldn't build up anticipation too much.]

[leitstern]

[Eyes flicker open. His thoughts are gone, scattered by touch upon the back of his hand. The attentions of his friend are both gentle and needing; attracted, distracted and leading. It is difficult to muster up the energy to blink and he inhales deeply before shifting his behind. He settles more firmly against the base of the tree and leans in close. Hand to hand, shoulder to shoulder.

He unconsciouly leans in a little closer, head resting in a comfortable spot.]

What are you thinking?

[Those movements suggest it, though he does not stop them.]

[standvastig]

[The attention has Hendrik's eyes averting, suddenly shy and slightly worried. He's quick to remind himself that Jasper will let him know if he's uncomfortable, whether it be kindly or sharply, and he can't possibly mess up their relationship with a single action.

But he's still shy. His thumb brushes over his friend's finely filed nails.

He should say it.]

I-- ah...

[Just say it.]

I am thinking that I would like very much to kiss you.

[leitstern]

[Jasper's hand relaxes and stays still for a long time. Each caress deeply felt, every touch becomes pressing. Hendrik's words are considered and catalogued - as his own face ties itself in knots. The realisation of which hits him at the last minute as he turns his face towards his friend.]

Goodness. Are you perfectly serious?

[He does have something more to say.]

I hope you intend to do it properly. I should box your ears otherwise.

[standvastig]

[A strangled little noise escapes Hendrik at his friend's response, and he looks at him with marveling eyes. Properly? What even is properly in this situation? The threat of punishment captures his attention as well.]

I will ... certainly try.

[It's the best he can do, with his grand (lack of) experience.

But where does he begin? Does he lean in? Where does he put his hands? Does he attempt to move Jasper? (That is not a beginner move, Hendrik; do not even try.)]

I-- er, have your assent, then?

[leitstern]

[When Hendrik watches him, Jasper keeps staring ahead, eyes fixed on the horizon past the rolling countryside. Sinuses clog with the smell of wildflowers and untrimmed grass. Ears hum with the buzz of wildlife. Both give him something to focus on that is not the personal drama unravelling before his face. He is breathing. In, out. In, out. The last thing he wants is for their relationship to be threatened by changes in feelings.

But all he wants right now are those feelings. To be loved, cherished, adored. He begins feeling the rise and fall of his chest and moves their joined hands to his lap. There are no words, no thoughts - he finds himself ceasing to think and worry altogether. He takes a deep breath and readies himself.

Sharing his feelings is a tad embarrassing.]

Indeed.

[standvastig]

[Jasper migrating their hands to his lap urges Hendrik closer, as if it is humanly possible for their shoulders and arms to occupy the same space as they side by side. The action also helps him make certain decisions out of necessity; so close together, he has to relax against the tree trunk just a little so he neither of them is tilting their heads at an awkward angle.

He barely manages to bite his tongue to avoid saying something awkward like "Here I go." What he intends to do is obvious now, and the words would just earn him exasperation or the ear-boxing he would wholly deserve.

His exhales a held breath before crossing the short distance between their lips, swallowing his next breath as he adjusts for a firmer kiss.

It's a full six seconds before he slowly starts to relax into the kiss, tongue darting out nervously to wet drying lips. It's another six before he stops thinking about his own rigidity.]

[leitstern]

[Jasper leans his head against the oak and ponders how relaxing it feels to see his friend doing the same. His head tilts at an angle to watch, eyes slightly closing to keep out the sun. Green eyes surrounded by emerald leaves and grass watch him; their gaze emotional and heartfelt. Breath billows across his nose and around his face and he blinks once, twice. Opening his eyes, he barely has time to think how close Hendrik draws - actions faster than words in bringing them together.

He inhales deeply but the touch of lips steals his breath immediately. Six seconds of something in his chest, six seconds of idle thoughts. Happiness. Connection. He freezes but clenches his friend's hand and cradles it between his own. His breathing grows weaker and soon he struggles to stay together.

Six more seconds. The brush of his friend's tongue holds him immobile. Six more and he fumbles with his breathing; wobbling against the tree, he begins leaning against Hendrik for support. Instead of pulling them apart, he comes closer and simply lets his friend lead.]