Leaves are brown

[leitstern]

Where: Heliodor
When: New Year
Summary: Doubts and insecurities

[New Year. The snow chills his mood and the absence of warmth wipes the smile from his face. Lips press together, turning in disappointment as he looks over his shoulder. The early morning demands they awaken for duty but his husband continues sleeping, oblivious to more than time. He leans forward and rises from their bed. No voice grumbles about the cold. No arm reaches out to make him stay.

He snarls and turns his gaze upon the mirror beside their bed. Fingers curl and clench as he begins inspecting himself; his brow furrowing as he imagines blemishes and wrinkles. He sniffs in disgust about more than foul weather and strips off his gown.

He does nothing to keep his partner warm.]

Comments

[standvastig]

[The cold weather has never been a particular friend to Hendrik. Even with his burly stature, the cold seems capable of searing right to the bone at times. It leaves him lethargic on even the better winter days, reluctant to join the waking world and even more reluctant to leave the relative warmth of the bed.

The feeling settles over him securely when he's the first asleep, which has been the case as of late with Jasper seemingly going through a restless period. Hendrik doesn't push; if the behavior is worrisome, he hasn't yet seen it take a toll on Jasper's health.

So when morning comes and there is only a mixture of cold and foul mood in the air, is it any wonder that Hendrik doesn't move?]

[leitstern]

[Jasper opens his eyes for a moment to see if anything changes. He looks away from his face, down past his chest, towards the lean muscle of his abdomen. The first thing he spots is the dimpling of his skin. The second is the shape of his stomach. There is an insecure change in the emotions on his face, reflected in the mirror's glass. He clenches his fist and refuses to look back. Back towards his face, back towards a partner no longer sleeping. Snug and still on a bed of roses that for him prickle and prick like thorns.

After a few moments, he releases his fist and twists his head. He gazes back to see a familiar outline of head and hair. Quiet and culpable in ignoring his present state.]

Do you still find me attractive?

[standvastig]

[Still more asleep than awake, Hendrik blinks away some of the grit in his eyes when he hears Jasper fussing not so far away. The question that floats over to his ears is as surprising as it is baffling to hear, and he pushes himself up onto one elbow to somewhat force himself awake.]

What?

[He really does need the question repeated; it's easy to think it's something rattling out of the last vestiges of sleep.]

[leitstern]

[The surprise in Hendrik's question is tempered by his waking state. Jasper lifts a hand beneath his hair and fans it away as the other man finds his thoughts. He releases his hand and it falls by his side, fingers clenching as he questions what to say.

Remembers what others say. The compliments and chatter of court. Their thoughts make it clear he remains in possession of his looks - but their adoration pales in comparison to that of the only one who matters. He walks back to sit on the edge of the bed.]

You have little to say these days.

[He rests his hands on his knees, elbows out, emotions bare.]

Do you find me attractive?

[standvastig]

[Hendrik grunts at what very much seems to be a strange topic of conversation first thing in the morning, scratching at the bridge of his nose as he looks blearily at his husband as he returns to the bed.]

I have little to say most days, Jasper.

[Still, such a question isn't one to lightly pass such a prideful man's lips, so he tries to afford Jasper the proper attention by sitting up properly in bed, even if it results in a bout of shivers.]

I find you quite handsome, yes. That is what you mean, correct?

[leitstern]

Just like always you are far off the mark.

[His words are whispered, his voice fraught with disappointment instead of bitterness and anger. His elbow rests upon his knee. Fingers clench and dig into skin as he leans into his hand. Eyes narrow and focus but it's a struggle to find anything positive - other than his love keeping him grounded.

Bearable, then.]

Do you know what the season is?

[Does this man know what this time means to him? What it should mean to them both?]

[standvastig]

[Like always. Hendrik sighs, his hand moving from his face to scratch at the back of his neck as he peers at Jasper in growing confusion. Did he do something? It's the first thing that comes to mind, typical as it is for him to somehow be the perpetrator for Jasper's ill mood, but he sets the thought aside soon after. The question asked helps him feel like that is the right choice.]

It is winter. It has long been a ... loaded season.

[For the new year. For their childhood friendship. For Jasper's grief. For their romance gaining shape.]

Jasper, did something happen? You know that ruminating like this ruins your sleep.

[leitstern]

[The comment flies in one ear and lodges in the rafters of his mind; a lingering unease that sends his hand to scratch the back of his neck. A gesture copied from his husband, perhaps. He finds solace in his company and wonders why he feels lifeless.

The menagerie of the court. Fools bleating about small problems, preening themselves by offering compliments that mean nothing.

He sighs. Hendrik's physical closeness softens his mood but he remains damp and miserable.]

People keep speaking. I've listened to nothing but nonsense, Hendrik. [He leans further into his fist.] I feel tired.

[standvastig]

[It takes more effort than he would like to admit to pull himself completely out from under the covers, but Hendrik finally sits properly next to Jasper, not quite reaching for his hand but pressing their shoulders together in companionship. It feels like one of those moments where he needs to be there more than he needs to try soothing things over, even if he can still misread these situations.]

Do you want to take the day off?

[leitstern]

[Jasper leans towards comfort, enjoying it while he can, leaning away after a while. The silence makes his discomfort apparent once he draws back, hands on his knees. Sitting upright, proud of himself. An image recognised more and more for what it is, these days.]

Hardly. I simply wish everyone else would. Especially you.

[Again does Hendrik know what time of year this is?]

[standvastig]

[The two of them have made significant strides in their ability to tolerate, understand, and eventually negotiate with each other. That hardly means that Hendrik knows everything that can send Jasper into upset, even if he can make better educated guesses than before.

He knows Jasper is forcing himself. But he doesn't understand why.]

That makes no sense, Jasper. If I were to take a day off, I would want you to do so, too.

[Because he sees little reason to take time off other than to spend free time with Jasper.]

[leitstern]

[The simple words cut through his needling; merging with his impatience to echo with a sigh and a frown. He clenches his fingers, turns his face away and rises to his feet. There are no glances back as he strolls towards the armoire.]

And why would you? Dare you remember what time of year this is?

[standvastig]

[Dare he blink blearily in confusion at Jasper? It seems like a quick way to getting decked even before breakfast. So Hendrik doesn't answer right away, furrowing a brow at his companion as he tries to think about things that have occurred around this time of year.]

What answer are you looking for? Our engagement or our childhood outing?

[Because both happened around this time of year, and he doesn't know why either of them would be worth being agitated like this for the last few days.]

[leitstern]

Obviously the former.

[Hendrik sends the question his way and he responds as expected; agitated to the point he clenches his fist. He says nothing else until he has stepped into briefs and trousers, trying them around his waist with a belt.]

I believed you would offer some token of affection.

[More fool him, right?]

[standvastig]

[Well now. Even with the answer confirmed, Hendrik can't disguise the fact that he's puzzled by Jasper's behavior.]

Is it typical to celebrate one's engagement date after one is already married?

[Because, if so, he definitely missed the memo regarding that bit.]

[leitstern]

[Jasper pulls on a shirt and fixes the collar, delicate with thumb and forefinger.]

That depends on whether one finds the other...

[Pleasant? Enjoyable? Attractive? He wrinkles his nose.]

Worth the effort.

[standvastig]

That sounds rather nontraditional.

[He rests his elbow on his knee and rests his chin on his fist, watching Jasper continue emphatically putting on his clothes.]

Is that truly what has been bothering you these past few days?

[leitstern]

[Delicate fingers poke and push the folds of his shirt into tight-fitting trousers. The wool scratches his skin, designed to be worn beneath a polished set of armour. He stalks towards their dresser and sits before the mirror. Parts his hair and reaches for a brush.

Except he continues staring at his reflection rather than start pulling. Brows narrow and cheeks sink in uncertainty.]

No. I feel old.

[He hardly asks for sympathy but understanding.]